Six months ago I decided to put pen to paper, so to speak, to write about my experiences as a Nasho completing a full tour of duty in Vietnam as an infantry soldier. I had been thinking about this for some time, but now that my youngest son is currently serving in Afghanistan with 8/9 RAR, the time was right to do it now.
I've read plenty of books on Vietnam and I've seen plenty of films; but none of them seems to portray what I experienced. My war was different. I also noticed that people were under the misapprehension that the American experience in Vietnam was the same for the Australians. Nothing could be further from the truth.
The Americans threw lots of resources at the war and engaged in large encounter battles with the North Vietnamese Army. Heavy losses were sustained on both sides.
The Australians did it differently. We mostly confined ourselves to one province, Phuoc Tuy. We fought a war of stealth against the VC and occasionally the NVA. Our goal was twofold: to dominate the province by aggressive patrolling; and to engage in civil construction on infrastructure such as roads, public buildings and utilities as well as introducing health programs.
By any measure this was a successful way to prosecute the war, but in the end it was too little too late; we simply abandoned the South Vietnamese to their fate. When I say 'we' I don't mean the infantry soldiers. We did our bit - it was the Australian people (and the Americans of course) who abandoned the South Vietnamese.
I view my war experience in South Vietnam as a very positive one. We did what was asked of us and we did it well. I believe this is the story that needs to be told. I set out therefore to write about what I saw and what I experienced; to inform people about what we did in Vietnam.
We were just a bunch of ordinary blokes.
As I began to write about my experiences, looming over me was the fact that I would have to write about the death of Peter Kowalski whom I served with as his number two machine gunner for more than 12 months. We were together 24/7. We were a bloody good team.
I have just reread chapter 46 where I mention Killer's death; and I squibbed it.
It is quite evident to the reader that I am not a writer. I last studied English at high school in 1967. My grammar, structure and syntax is at best, 'fair.' My writing lacks an essential element - emotion. There is no emotion in my writing.
There is no emotion in my writing.
This is a decision I took at the very beginning, essentially my emotions about the war are buried very deep inside me and I am unable to relate to you how I feel about my war experience and in particular how I feel about Killer's death. I wish I could talk about the grief, the disabled flight/fight response mechanism and the survival guilt we veterans all carry with us.
I guess that's why they call us dumb grunts. We do not share our emotions. Being scared is normal, everyone is scared when they are confronted with danger, but you can't show your mates how scared you are. Likewise you can't show your grief. You just get on with the job.
Whatever happens you keep doing your job, that's the important thing. If a soldier goes down he knows that the other blokes will come to his assistance, but he must wait until the area is secured. That is, the enemy threat is neutralised. To do otherwise would be foolish, extremely dangerous; and may well cost more lives. Heads have to remain cool. We bury our emotions and get on with the it; then and now.
Whatever happens you keep doing your job, that's the important thing. If a soldier goes down he knows that the other blokes will come to his assistance, but he must wait until the area is secured. That is, the enemy threat is neutralised. To do otherwise would be foolish, extremely dangerous; and may well cost more lives. Heads have to remain cool. We bury our emotions and get on with the it; then and now.
My emotions have been buried for 40 years. I am unable to share them with you now.
Sorry.
6 comments:
"It is quite evident to the reader that I am not a writer."
Bullsh*t.
I did not serve in a war zone but I do understand what you are saying Cav. The training of any Soldier to turn towards the danger and fight is switch on and never switched off. Other life experiances also harden your ability to express your feelings.To put yourself in harms way to protect others is a strange feeling in itself and to lose a close mate feeling and seeing him die as to try to give them CPR never leaves you. I just put it in the box of memorys marked personal.
To this day I sit facing the door so I can see the door, I never sit in a crowd but always on the edge and the hypper alertness has never gone away. I hope the new breed of returned soldiers get training to turn the switch off?
Keep up the writting Cav and be as self indulgent as you want It's your Book!
Hosko
Thanks 1735099 and Hosko, and you too Doc and Bob who helps via email, you're comments are really appreciated.
Hey Hosko, how many years have we known each other and I probably never told what was really worrying me, but you seem to understand OK mate.
More stuff to come...
I know enough of you Vietnam Vets to know a little.
Most of you don't talk about what you did.
This Book will hopefully help more than you Cav. Perhaps it will help others understand why you and others are how you are. I am sure those near a dear to you will apreciate a little insight into "The voices in Cavs head"
When I write my Book you will get a mention for sure! I also have photos and video to back me up some of it shot by you.
Hosko
Your story is written with emotion, I can feel it depends how you read it, keep up the good work.
I await the hard cover version for my bookcase.
Cav I have never served. I have never been to war. I read your story and feel ashamed that I don't know more about what you men went through. I have never experienced the mateship, trust and pride that you and your commenters all have.
I also feel the emotion that comes through in your writing. Don't sell yourself short .
Daisy
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